Because fear is real.....

I could never have imagined the fear that comes with this journey. As crazy as it may seem, it was not Nevaeh's death that was chaotic, uncomfortable or frightening, it was each second that passed after her last breath that became all of these of things combined and so much more. 

The places I go are brutal. I have blamed myself for choices in my past. I have let myself wonder what coulda, woulda, or shoulda happend. I have lost my voice for days and cried tears that I believed would never end. I have locked myself in the closest and laid on her medical records searching for answers that do not exist. I have stared into the sky and imagined where she maybe. I have wrapped myself in her clothes and slept with her ashes in my hand. I have begged, screamed and pleaded to God asking for her back amidst considerable promises that I would protect and care for her. I cannot count the mantras I have repeated trying to convince myself that everything has happened the way it was intended. On my finest days, I believe with all of my heart that it has, but, on the dismal days, I'm not even close. I have done most of this more than once and almost all of it in the last three months.  I continue to hold high hopes in myself that one day there will be a constant peace in my heart and soul.....

I have a living reminder of all that is good in the world; his name is Bodhi, and he is truly a blessing of the highest form. People maintain a constant need to remind me how lucky I am to have him. They cant possibly think I do not know that, can they? He is the reason I get up most mornings. He is the reason that somehow the glass remains half full, not half empty, the reason my heart skips a beat each morning and a forever reminder that life is phenomenal.

Nevaehs life has impacted my parenting in various ways. I have no idea what it is like to parent a child when you have not lost one. I am sure some of the fears are the same, others are different and maybe even a bit of both. During my pregnancy with Bodhi I made many promises. I vowed to savor every cry and sleepless night we were granted. I committed to never letting my fears get in the way of his happiness. I swore I would I would never yell or lose my temper with him. Above all, I assured him I would cherish every single minute of being his mama, and savor anything he brought to the table. Three years into our relationship I have yelled, lost my temper, cried from frustration, believed I am a terrible mama and worst off all I have told myself I do not deserve him because of these actions. It is a constant challenge to improve upon the expectations I have of myself. 

Over the past four years, old fears have dissipated, and new fears have been conceived. However, the two that remain constant is fear of people forgetting her and the fear...dear God...what if...what if something happens to my sweet boy.