The weight of a question....

The questions I get asked about my life range from gut wrenching to funny. Many of them are asked without considering the emotional ramifications of the answer.  Oftentimes, the first thing I get asked when people find out about Nevy is how she died not how she lived. I want her remembered for the nearly five months she was alive not the seven days she was dying. In fairness, most people don't ask me about my pregnancy with Bodhi they ask me about his birth. Bodhi's birth and Nevaeh's death are extremely personal to me and hard to explain. Even though, one was a beginning of sorts, and the other was a conclusion of sorts, they carried many of the same emotions. 

I was at a restaurant in Los Angels, and about 5 months pregnant with Bodhi, when a waitress looked at me with big sweet eyes and asked, "Is that your first?" with a huge smile on her face. I panicked and could not move. I stood there with a blank stare and tears streaming down my face. My mind was going millions of miles a minute, yet I could not get any words out. What was I suppose to say? I searched my brain for something, anything. Do I tell her the truth? Do I tell her about our beautiful girl who left to soon? Should I lie and say yes? Her eyes fell to the floor and I walked away without saying anything.From the day Bodhi was born people asked me if he was our first. Around the time he turned six months they started asking me when we would have more. This question is usually proceeded with a statement about the importance of children having siblings. I get these questions/statements constantly, and each time they hurt my heart like a dagger. It happens EVERYWHERE; in line at the grocery store, at the Dr office, playground, zoo, Nordstrom, airplanes....almost anywhere I go with him I get asked. You would think after three years I would know the proper response, but I don't. I want to tell the truth. I want to something like this:


"Ummm lets see here...we got pregnant on accident and had a beautiful baby girl who died when she was five months old, I got pregnant again three months after she died while my marriage was falling apart and I was lethally depressed. We have a healthy little boy and much to be grateful for, but just last month I had a miscarriage, found out my eggs are bad, getting pregnant AGAIN may not be in my cards and my marriage is still dangaling by a thread. Now why dont you tell me a little about you?" 


My life has shown me that what is clear for one person is not clear for another. The answers to what feels simple maybe way more than anyone wants to hear in passing. The bundle of joy I hold each day is a reminder of so many things. He is all that I am, all that is meant to be and all that is missing. Its complicated at best, but it's mine, my answer.