I know....

I know she is safe. I know she is free. I know that her body could not live here. I know that I am blessed to have had five months. I know my arms long for her.  I know that it was not my fault but wonder why I relive the moments that make up her lifetime and question my every action. I know that it has been four years and I am still in a constant state of sadness. I know that I am twice blessed because I have a healthy little boy who believes in some small way that I hung the moon. I know that he does not replace her. I know that he sees my tears and believes thats just what mama's do. I know I lost myself somewhere in all of this. I know I want to let go. I know some people believe it is a choice, ya know to start living again, I am struggling. 

I hope that one day my heart will feel whole again. I pray that the devastation that lives in my soul will quietly leave and allow me to live each moment to the fullest. I want to believe the best is yet to be written and life is patiently waiting for me to live it.