The weight of a question....

The questions I get asked about my life range from gut wrenching to funny. Many of them are asked without considering the emotional ramifications of the answer.  Oftentimes, the first thing I get asked when people find out about Nevy is how she died not how she lived. I want her remembered for the nearly five months she was alive not the seven days she was dying. In fairness, most people don't ask me about my pregnancy with Bodhi they ask me about his birth. Bodhi's birth and Nevaeh's death are extremely personal to me and hard to explain. Even though, one was a beginning of sorts, and the other was a conclusion of sorts, they carried many of the same emotions. 

I was at a restaurant in Los Angels, and about 5 months pregnant with Bodhi, when a waitress looked at me with big sweet eyes and asked, "Is that your first?" with a huge smile on her face. I panicked and could not move. I stood there with a blank stare and tears streaming down my face. My mind was going millions of miles a minute, yet I could not get any words out. What was I suppose to say? I searched my brain for something, anything. Do I tell her the truth? Do I tell her about our beautiful girl who left to soon? Should I lie and say yes? Her eyes fell to the floor and I walked away without saying anything.From the day Bodhi was born people asked me if he was our first. Around the time he turned six months they started asking me when we would have more. This question is usually proceeded with a statement about the importance of children having siblings. I get these questions/statements constantly, and each time they hurt my heart like a dagger. It happens EVERYWHERE; in line at the grocery store, at the Dr office, playground, zoo, Nordstrom, airplanes....almost anywhere I go with him I get asked. You would think after three years I would know the proper response, but I don't. I want to tell the truth. I want to something like this:


"Ummm lets see here...we got pregnant on accident and had a beautiful baby girl who died when she was five months old, I got pregnant again three months after she died while my marriage was falling apart and I was lethally depressed. We have a healthy little boy and much to be grateful for, but just last month I had a miscarriage, found out my eggs are bad, getting pregnant AGAIN may not be in my cards and my marriage is still dangaling by a thread. Now why dont you tell me a little about you?" 


My life has shown me that what is clear for one person is not clear for another. The answers to what feels simple maybe way more than anyone wants to hear in passing. The bundle of joy I hold each day is a reminder of so many things. He is all that I am, all that is meant to be and all that is missing. Its complicated at best, but it's mine, my answer.

Because fear is real.....

I could never have imagined the fear that comes with this journey. As crazy as it may seem, it was not Nevaeh's death that was chaotic, uncomfortable or frightening, it was each second that passed after her last breath that became all of these of things combined and so much more. 

The places I go are brutal. I have blamed myself for choices in my past. I have let myself wonder what coulda, woulda, or shoulda happend. I have lost my voice for days and cried tears that I believed would never end. I have locked myself in the closest and laid on her medical records searching for answers that do not exist. I have stared into the sky and imagined where she maybe. I have wrapped myself in her clothes and slept with her ashes in my hand. I have begged, screamed and pleaded to God asking for her back amidst considerable promises that I would protect and care for her. I cannot count the mantras I have repeated trying to convince myself that everything has happened the way it was intended. On my finest days, I believe with all of my heart that it has, but, on the dismal days, I'm not even close. I have done most of this more than once and almost all of it in the last three months.  I continue to hold high hopes in myself that one day there will be a constant peace in my heart and soul.....

I have a living reminder of all that is good in the world; his name is Bodhi, and he is truly a blessing of the highest form. People maintain a constant need to remind me how lucky I am to have him. They cant possibly think I do not know that, can they? He is the reason I get up most mornings. He is the reason that somehow the glass remains half full, not half empty, the reason my heart skips a beat each morning and a forever reminder that life is phenomenal.

Nevaehs life has impacted my parenting in various ways. I have no idea what it is like to parent a child when you have not lost one. I am sure some of the fears are the same, others are different and maybe even a bit of both. During my pregnancy with Bodhi I made many promises. I vowed to savor every cry and sleepless night we were granted. I committed to never letting my fears get in the way of his happiness. I swore I would I would never yell or lose my temper with him. Above all, I assured him I would cherish every single minute of being his mama, and savor anything he brought to the table. Three years into our relationship I have yelled, lost my temper, cried from frustration, believed I am a terrible mama and worst off all I have told myself I do not deserve him because of these actions. It is a constant challenge to improve upon the expectations I have of myself. 

Over the past four years, old fears have dissipated, and new fears have been conceived. However, the two that remain constant is fear of people forgetting her and the fear...dear God...what if...what if something happens to my sweet boy.

Its about us... you included

I have tried to figure this blog thing out a coupla of times. I finally had the revelation today that this blog is about who I am today as a result of all the yesterdays. I have Nevy's journey documented on the Nevy's journey tab. Please take a few minutes to read it. My future posts will be about life as it is today. The joy, pain, questions.... the new journey. 

My life has forever changed since she came and went. I understand now that I would be forever changed even if she lived. Losing a child is brutal. I have been to depths of greif I did not know existed. And yes, four years later I am still visiting those depths more often then I would ever want anyone to know about.

 It has occurred to me that I often do things the hard way. I like to suffer in silence and then I tend to download it all at once. I am hoping this will be an outlet that allows me to be more present with all of my emotions and come out each day a little better then where I am right now. 

I have no shame in my game. There are no rules here and it is safe. 

Here we go......