***** A note before the post*****
This was one of the hardest post I have ever written. It is raw and uncensored. Please know that I choose to do this as part of my healing. The events of these last years have been so straining. I needed to write this post. For you those of you that did not know about Peanut # 3, please forgive me for finding out this way. I have not been able to deliver the news appropriately to many people. I am doing the very best I can and ask for your understanding ahead of time. Peanut #3 was a mixed blessing full of hope and shadowed with so many other things. However, I loved those two tiny blues lines the same way I loved the other tiny blues lines that became Nevy and Bodhi. Despite where Tommy and I are in our marriage Peanut #3 was conceived from a place of love and was greatly wanted by both of us.
There were two blue lines, two of them. I peed on a stick, and there were two blue lines. It has happened three times in my life and from the moment I saw the two blue lines I was in love. I could have never imaged the journey those two tiny blue lines had in store.
Neveah...... I had spent ten years of my life trying not to get pregnant. Over the course of that time, I had a few scares but every time I took a test it was only one blue line staring back at me. That all changed on an August afternoon in 2006. I had been cleaning under the bathroom sink when I found a box of pregnancy tests set to expire. I was not feeling pregnant and was not late. I simply decided it made more sense to take the test instead of throwing it out. I did the deed, set the test on the sink and continued cleaning the rest of the bathroom. 30 minutes later I went to wash my hands and was shocked to find a stick with two tiny bright blue lines. I was convinced the test was wrong. I went directly to the drug store and purchased three different brands of pregnancy tests that each contained three sticks. I made my way back home and into the bathroom.
This time I collected my pee a mason jar. I opened each test and carefully dipped them into the jar for 10 seconds. I replaced the cap and gently laid them upright on my bathroom floor. By the time I finished test number nine, tests one through five all had two tiny bright blue lines. I thought it best to let the others finish before jumping to any conclusions. Six, seven, and eight all reveled the same positive results. But nine, nine was different, it was negative.
I immediately called my OBGYN and told his nurse about my findings. She politely laughed at me and asked if I wanted to come in for a blood test. DAH!!!! On my way to the office I called my husband to tell him the news. "I may or may not be pregnant." "What on earth are you talking about Meghan?" "Well I took ten pregnancy tests and nine came back positive. Before we jump to conclusions I'm gonna have the Dr. take a real pregnancy test. Ill call you as soon as I know more."
I arrived with all my tests in hand. The nurse greeted me at the door, and I told her all about my adventure that I day as we walked to the bathroom. She told me they would do a urine and blood test. I collected another "specimen" and then she drew my blood. I met my Doctor in his office, and he confirmed that I WAS pregnant. I must of asked him if he was sure about twenty times. He flashed a enormous smile and asked if I wanted to take a look at our baby on the ultrasound machine. YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I called Tommy told him the news. He was as shocked as I was. We both wanted kids but had not talked about when. We cried a few tears of mixed emotion and then I laid down for the exam. What a day it had been. One minute I was cleaning a bathroom, and the next I was laying on an examine table looking at the most beautiful heartbeat I had ever seen. I was a mama, and she was beautiful.
Nevaeh Simone was born February 10th 2006. She weighed only 1pound 9 ounces and was 12 inches long. She took her last breath in my arms on July 9th 2006 weighing just over 7pounds and was 21 inches long.
Bodhi...... The months following Nevy's death were such a blur. For every step forward we took, it felt like we immediately took five steps back. Tommy and I had no idea which way was up. We were living a nightmare that only got worse. Most days it felt like are marriage was ending and I couldn't take another loss. I needed to get away from all the emotion and decided to take a trip to Puerto Rico with my sister in-law and best friend. While I was packing for the trip, I realized I was experiencing many symptoms of pregnancy. I knew that weekend would be full of drinking and I did not want to chance anything. When we arrived in Puerto Rico, I told the girls about my symptoms. I decided it was better to take a pregnancy test before we started drinking poolside. We walked to the store, I bought a test, and went back to the hotel room. I stared in the bathroom mirror for several minutes contemplating what was in front of me. I was not sure what a positive or negative test would create. I was not scared, only worried that Nevy would not forgive me if was pregnant again so quickly.
I sat down, peed on the stick and held it in my hand. The first line slowly appeared on the screen. I closed my eyes and waited for my phone to tell me it had been three minutes. When I opened them it was still only one tiny blue line. Instantly, disappointment set in, and my heart was extremely heavy. I realized I had mistaken my tender breasts, severe fatigue, nausea and gut feeling for yet another stage of grief. I tossed the test, flushed the toilet and hit the pool.
Following the Puerto Rico trip Tommy and I temporarily relocated back to Los Angeles. He was offered a job on Die Hard 3, and my company wanted me back down to help set up their new office. We were both excited, as it was a welcome distraction from the sorrow our Portland home held. A few weeks after the relocation I took a business trip to Chicago. On the return flight, I could not shake the feeling that I was pregnant. My body continued to ache, my breast continued to grow, and I was exhausted beyond measure. I knew I needed to take another test. Tommy was filming long hours so my baby sister offered to pick me up at the airport. I mentioned I was hungry and asked her to stop at a store. I told her I would run in quickly by myself, so she could smoke. I hated that she smoked but, for the first time in my life, I was grateful. I did not want her to see what I was buying. She was still reeling from Nevaeh's death and I did not want to get her hopes up. I purchased a box of Velveeta shells, because the sound of creamy noodles sounded to good to pass up, and three different brands of pregnancy tests that each contained three sticks.
My sis dropped me off at the apartment and I dragged my butt through the door. I started water for the noodles, grabbed a glass and headed to the bathroom to preform the ritual. I peeped into the glass and then opened each test and carefully dipped them into the jar for 10 seconds. I replaced the cap and gently laid them upright on my bathroom floor. The only difference this time was that by the time I was to test three, one and two already had two beautiful tiny lines. I watched each blue line appear on every test. I was pregnant.
It was just after midnight when I called my sister and asked her to return to the apartment. My emotions were ragging. I was happy, sad, scared, unsure, grateful...they just kept changing. Then suddenly it fully sank in and I thought to myself what if....what if...what if...what if. Despite the time I decided to call my best friend. She answered the phone right away, and I told her what was going on. I cried as the words came out my mouth, and she listened. I hung up the phone when my sister arrived. I showed her the tests and asked her to take me to Tommy. I packed up all the tests into a plastic baggy, and we were off.
My sister and I laugh/cried most of the way to Tommy. It was a crazy night on set. They were dropping a Ford Explorer down an elevator shaft. The lights were so bright it looked like the middle of the afternoon. I found Tommy and threw my arms around him. I held on for a moment and then stepped back and handed him the baggy. It took a second for it to register. He looked at me, than the baggy, then me, than the baggy. He told me how happy he was, and I cried. He said it was a second chance for us and I agreed.
Bodhi Edward was born healthy on June 16, 2007 without out any complications. He is three years old and the light of my life. He is healthy and extremely happy.
Peanut number three....
This loss is still so fresh and cuts deep. I have struggled with it for weeks and questioned the pain of my miscarriage daily. You see I have a secret. The dark part of my heart tells me that I suffered this miscarriage because I use to question women who have been through this. I had no reference point on loss accept my own. I could not draw the line in my head, between a baby that had been born and lived five months, with one that had never gotten the opportunity to be held. People say all sorts of things to me when Nevaeh died. It was hardest for me when someone would tell me they knew how I felt...that they knew just what I was going through. For some reason, women that had miscarriages were much more verbal with me. I can not count how many times I heard, "I know exactly what you are going through I lost my baby at 8 weeks, or 12 weeks or 20 weeks hand in there it will get better." I found myself staring blankly at them while anger raged through every once of my being. My ignorance created a silent reply, "How on earth could you possibly know what I am feeling? She was a five month old little girl. She loved Bach and bath time. She was a fierce fighter with a gentle soul. I held her, I nursed her, I dressed her, and cuddled her. How on earth could your loss possibly be the same as mine??" Now, I get it.
In the span of just a few days, I preformed the ritual, got my beautiful blue lines, and as the shock wore off and excitement set in, the lines were gone and so was my hope. I had told my family and a few close friends about the blue lines. Then I told them about the loss and assured them I was okay. I catch myself saying things like, "Everything happens for a reason....I suppose it is a blessing I was not that far along.... Im young I can try again....Tommy and I were not in place to have another baby....Thank goodness there was no suffering.... I did not realize I would suffer. I am still suffering.
My last set of beautiful blue lines carried a valuable lesson. Heartbreak is not defined by length of time we have our babies. It comes from the love we feel the moment we know they exist and the terrible moment we know they are gone. . A mamas love is a passionate love and, for so many, it is an immediate love full hope. I am still struggling daily with Nevaeh's death (please don't remind me that I always will), Bodhi has had a few serious health scares this year, and Tommy and I continue to question our relationship and where it is headed. I wish I could say we have been to hell and back. Unfortunately, besides Bodhi, I feel like we are still in the hell part and these past weeks have pushed me into deeper sadness.
