Where the peace is....

I have always known I want to be cremated. I guess the theory over actual is easy to digest because once I actually have to cross that bridge it wont really matter.  This choice was not easy for me to ultimately make for Nevaeh. I knew I didn't want her any further away from me then she already was. There were only two options and they both filled me with fear. I was so use to asking questions about her care that I looked at each option as if they were lifesaving procedures. My heart broke with every revelation, every answered question, every confirmation that this was our reality.  It never dawned on me that we could give her both, give us both, until my sweet friend Andrea entered my life.

From our very first meeting I knew we were brought together by something greater then ourselves. I saw myself standing within her heart, my reflection was hers,  our connection was deep and immediate.  On that very day, in a noisy cafeteria, we let down our guards, held each others hands, welcomed the tears, and quietly whispered little things that only mamas could. She shared Michael with me and every word she spoke I fell deeper and deeper in love with him.

Michael Dominic Moore

Her sweet boy was born at 35 weeks with an undiagnosed genetic condition called Trisomy 13.  I heard of this before but believed babies with this condition rarely survived out side of the womb.  Andrea very patiently explained that these little beings CAN survive, that they DO survive, some for minutes, some for days, others for months and for a precious few years. Because Michael was undiagnosed they spent the first days of his life on the very same NICU Nevy spent the last half of her life. Once a diagnosis was reached Andrea and Dominic knew they wanted to bring their Sweet Michael home for his final days.  He was snuggled, fed, touched, loved, rejoiced, and honored. With all his bravery Michael gifted his family with time and cherished memories. Our little warrior prince spent fifteen days this side of heaven.. He is missed every minute of every day.

In the arms of his mama and daddy

Michael and his big sister Maddy

Last year for mothers day Andrea invited me to River View cemetery. She explained that she wanted to clean up the baby section and place calla lilies on every head stone. In the past she had mentioned that Michael was cremated so I was slightly confused. Michael had a headstone??? As always Andrea loving explained to me that they decided to do both. She keeps Michael's ashes close AND has a peaceful place to go "be" with him. I accepted the invitation and couldn't wait to see what that day had in store. I woke up early to spend time with my journal and my sweet girl. I asked her to be with me and to show me what she wanted. I felt peace and knew she was near. I woke Bodhi and we took off for our adventure. His curiosity matched mine but he was able to better express himself. "Mama!!! This is BEAUTIFUL!!! MY SISSY LOVES IT!!!" I knew instantly Nevaeh needed to be here.

Nevy's spot is right in front of Michael. They share a flower vase and their mama's love. I am still designing her headstone and wonder if it will ever actually get done. I love the permanence of them. Its a stamp on the earth saying "I was here and I am loved." It has become a scared tradition of sorts for Bodhi and me. When I tell him we are going to see his Sissy he packs his toys, usually some bubbles and reminds me "I will only share if I want to." We stop for flowers, he always picks, and for a few hours we hang out in our normal. At times even I think it is strange that I find so much peace in a place she does not lay. But there is something so magical, peaceful, and accepting up there.

This peace is Michael's gift to me. He has touched life so profoundly and continues to remind me of that is good. I love him as if he was my own son and Andrea is my sister. The other day I posted the following statement on a few of my closest friends wall, I think it sums it up perfectly.

Beautiful One... May the Glory of all things amazing fill your soul, hold your heart, dance lightly in the space between and dry your tears for a few precious moments of laughter. We are here because they lived and died. Our sisterhood grows everyday because they selflessly allow us the space we need to deepen our bond and love completely. Their heavenly wings remind us of all that is missing, yet those very same wings are their freedom in which they delicately move from your house to mine and back again. I love you Andrea...Always.

I know you are reading this Andrea...Thank you for all that you do for me...all that you have given me...all that you have received from me... thank you for loving both of my children completely. My heart is full because you are in my life and forever changed because Michael lived. xoxoxox