FIVE

Nevaeh Simone I am forever blessed by your life and spirit. The bond between us can never be severed...in death it has grown stronger and I feel you in my every breath. Five years ago we said goodbye to one existence and hello to another. I never could have imagined the places this journey would take us.

There have been moments I want to give up...I am sure I cannot take another step forward...certain that a terrible mistake has been made...terrified that I failed you...hurt that you left me... wounded by the silence of your absence... unable to catch my breath or shake the terrible images that live inside my soul... BUT more often that not I am filled with understanding, love, and gratitude.

I can only imagine that from where you are this all makes perfect sense. I feel a peace in my core that radiates an understanding that can only come from you. I see you in your brother and he sees you all the time.  When he speaks of you he engages me on such a deep level...hands to my cheeks...locks eyes.. and speaks words that only you two can completely understand. Those moments are precious gifts and so very insightful. I do have the words to properly express how grateful I am for the relationship and understanding you two have. But know this my love...with every story, dream, memory, or passing thought he shares..my heart connects deeper to yours.

Everything is different and nothing is the same. Each year I am surprised at the weight of my heart and the sadness in my being. I guess I thought by now something would shift...that I would wake up on this day...in your final moments here on earth with peace. But it is not peaceful, no matter what I tell myself or what others bring to the table for comfort it simply is not peaceful. You are me and I am you and we will always be "us". I would walk every step of this journey and a million more because your love is worth it.  I ache to hold you in my arms... it is a never ending void nothing can replace.

But Sweet Girl know this... We see you in the sunset, hear you in the breeze, feel you in the rain, and patiently wait for the gentle flutter of a dragonfly to remind us that you are always near. I have no idea where the next five years will lead..what we will face...celebrate.. accept...but I do know there is a subtle peace that has never been before and for that I am grateful.

Shine down on us today...Remind each person you have touched that your love is real and always with us... Be the strength in my heart and the courage in my soul... be my breath and my heartbeat. Fill my being with your warrior princess spirt.. dance lightly but sore high with your heavenly wings and delicate fashion. I love you this day more then yesterday.. I love you now and always....

I heard you in that dream "Mama, Angels only fall for a reason..." I repeat that mantra on a daily basis. The reasons continue to show themselves in my life and I hope the reasons continue to unfold and bring peace to all you touch. I am forever your mama and you my love are forever my Sweet Girl...