2005 days... yep, 2005 days

It has been 2154 days since Nevaeh entered this world far to early, far to tiny, far to fragile but with grace and determination that to this day still renders me humble. Her will to live was stronger then I had ever seen. She captivated us all with a The knowing look that said what words could not. She was a light brighter then the moon, she was my reflection and yours. She wrapped us all in her energy and gave us hope with each breath. She knew who she was and I believe she understood her journey far better then I could at the time. She loved. She laughed. She lived. 


It has been 2005 days since she she took her last breathes in my arms....2005 days living without her....2005 days of looking for answers that do not exist...2005 days of what I would give, if only, why, glimpses of acceptance followed by the reality that acceptance is not something I must give to this situation. 2005 days of some good advise and some not so good advise. 2005 days of waking up sometimes thinking about her and sometimes not. 2005 days of life moving forward. 2005 days of new friendships, lost friendships, and found friendships. 2005 days of dark AND light. 2005 days of wondering how long it will take for this reality to sink in with hope that faith will fill my heart. 2005 days of more beauty then one person should be granted in lifetime as well as more tragedy then anyone should know. 2005 days of never giving up. 2005 days of letting go when time. 2005 days of asking for help. 2005 days of giving help. 2005 days of yesterdays crossing tomorrows and todays being stuck in-between. 2005 days of giving up, giving in and succeeding. 2005 days of anger, happiness, sorrow, exhaustion, ups, downs, yelling, laughing, breathing, crying, sleeping, not sleeping, hurting, loving, giving, taking, trying, being, defining, redefining, faith, hope, life, death, lightness, dark, eating, not eating, dreaming, believing, allowing...it has been 2005 days of living my life after deaths impact. 


It has also been almost 2005 days of silence. A story not told. A truth not revealed. A secret kept. A battle fought and sadly a battle lost. Today I will write her story. I will publish her last story here. It will be my final entry on this site. I never could have imagined the gifts this little blog would bring me and the hope that would be restored here. I have found soul sisters and best friends. I have connections to children both living and dead that I cherish each and every day. I came here broken. I came here not understanding why so many were waiting for me to "move on".... "start living"..."focus on Bodhi" "be grateful"....to find a group of (mostly) women that said "We ARE living even though we feel like we are dying." We poured our hearts out to each other, we shared the memories we had, and embraced each other without condition. We were each others voices, backbones and understandings. We have seen rainbows lost and rainbows born. We have given and we have taken. This community will always hold the most treasured place in my heart. So, today I write the words that have been missing, I fill in the spaces that never made sense and I move forward. She will always live in my heart and the hearts of all that choose to share her name and story...there is no gratitude I can show great enough to thank each of you that has and will continue to carry her name, spirit and legacy. 

I carried her home and you all help me carry her on... thank you.